it's hard to dance with the devil on your back, so shake him off
by crazyaboutthem
Summary: "She has no idea where she's going, but she just can't stay here anymore. She just has to leave." - Rachel-centric but still Finchel of course. Completely and utterly AU.


_A/N: Hey, guys! Okay, I'm bringing you this story, which is something kind of new. I just wanted you guys to know that this story very special and very personal to me. It's basically Rachel dealing with a hole bunch of stuff that happened to me, so just, yeah, just wanted you guys to know where it all came from. Anyways, hope you guys enjoy this, and take into account the fact that Rachel's a bit OOC, just a bit._

_Disclaimer: I own nothing but my mistakes, which I'm sure are plenty because I started writing it last night and stayed up until like five am._

* * *

She's at a school assembly where the school counselor is giving a talk about domestic violence when she realizes that _that_ is exactly what's going on to her. She's always known that her daddy was mean, but she never thought it had a name. _Domestic violence._ It feels weird. To know that it's something that school counselors talk about, and try to raise awareness about. Especially after last night.

Last night was horrible. She was cooking dinner and she had burnt herself accidentally when she tried to take the food out of the oven, so she quickly let go, making a mess in the kitchen. Her daddy saw everything.

"What the fuck? Are your hands made of butter, you little idiot?!" he screamed. "Clean that up! I'll be eating out! I expect you to be in bed asleep by the time I get here, and the kitchen better be impeccably clean!" he finished as he grabbed his coat and left the house.

She was crying, but she really wanted to get to the safety of her room, so she let some cold water run on her hand for a few minutes, then she cleaned everything, left the kitchen spotless. She ran upstairs, changed into her pajamas, curled herself beneath the blankets, and finally let the tears fall down her cheeks. She cried and screamed and cried and screamed until she heard the front door open, meaning her daddy was home, so she tried to calm herself down, but she kept crying, softly, in silence, like she did every single night. Her door opened and she made herself even smaller on the bed, trying to soften her breathing as if she were asleep. She heard her daddy standing by her door, watching her, and then he closed her door, leaving her alone. And then she cried herself to sleep dreaming of a time where she would finally be free from all of this.

* * *

She works her ass off at school. She knows it's her only chance to get out of there. And yeah, seventh grade isn't easy, but she manages. Probably because (_thank god_) her father works a lot and isn't home until dinner time, so she has alone time to study and do her homework properly.

But, it's her last few days of school, so now comes summer, and it's three months of being at home the entire day doing whatever chores her father wants her to do. And it's not like she has any friends to hang out during her free time. She tends to keep to her own devices, she's better off alone she's learned. If you let people in, they hurt you, physically, emotionally, and she's already too damn hurt. She can't afford to get even more hurt.

So, yeah, she doesn't need friends. She doesn't need anyone. She's not really sure she even needs herself.

* * *

Summer goes by super slowly. She mostly stays in her room, thinking, dreaming of when she finally leaves Lima and goes to New York.

She remembers the first time she saw a musical. It was almost seven years ago, when she was six. Her daddy was at a business trip and she was left alone in her house. Her daddy had hired a cleaning lady to come every day in the morning to clean the house and cook, mostly because of what their nosy neighbors could think, because it was very clear to Rachel that he doesn't give a rats ass about her, but anyways, Shelby is nice. She always asks her what she wants for dinner, and asks her how was school, and on her first weekend working she brings all these DVDs so they can watch together after she finishes working.

So Shelby puts in Funny Girl and she completely falls in love with musicals. Shelby teaches her everything there is to know about the musical world and Broadway, and she even helps Rachel sing a little over the course of the two weeks she's with her, telling her she has a really good voice.

When her daddy comes home a week later she stupidly forgets that everything's different when he's here and when she tries to sing for him and she only gets struck in the face, she stands there, dumbfounded until she remembers how things really are.

She misses Shelby every day more and more.

* * *

The summer she turns thirteen is the worst time of her life, and that's saying something. She had actually made a friend. Her name was Kate. She was a couple of years older than her, but they both got along perfectly. She spends a lot of time at her house, since her father told her he doesn't really care where she goes as long as she's home before dinner time.

However, this one time she's sitting on the couch at Kate's house waiting for her to finish showering. They had been messing around with water bombs and Kate insisted she needed a shower afterwards. Anyways, so she's sitting at her couch, watching TV when Kate's father comes and sits next to her. She's still a little awkward around men, especially large men, but she doesn't say or do anything.

He starts talking to her, all in a teasing manner, just like always, and Rachel plays along. And then he's hugging her. And the next thing she knows he's touching her barely there breasts, telling her how much he loves them. She stays still, because she doesn't even know what's going on. She doesn't understand it. She doesn't think she wants to understand it. And then they hear the bathroom door open and Kate's yelling for her to come up to her room, so Kate's father lets her go and keeps watching TV just as if nothing had happened, so she just climbs the stairs in silence and doesn't say anything to Kate. She doesn't want to ruin her only friendship.

* * *

It starts happening more often now. The minute Kate has to go to the bathroom, or do some chore or anything, Kate's father appears out of nowhere. She doesn't know what to do. She doesn't want to lose Kate. She doesn't have anyone to talk to. And she really can't even understand what's happening. But it gets worse.

She made the mistake of mentioning to Kate that her daddy left her alone every day while he was at work, and Kate's father heard her. So when Rachel doesn't go over to Kate's, her father shows up at her house. And that's even worse because they're completely alone there, no one's there to stop him.

The third time he shows up at her house is the last one. He has her lying on the couch, her shirt all the way up, her shorts all the way down, and he switches between caressing her breasts and caressing her through her panties, all the while saying what he thinks are sweet things to her like _what cute little breasts you have _and _I love to touch you. _He's never touched her down there before, though. So when he tries to kiss her she just breaks down crying cause, honestly, she'd rather have her father beat her up to a pulp than going through any of this. He stops and looks down at her.

"What's wrong, baby?" he asks. She doesn't say anything, she doesn't know what to say, so she just keeps crying. "Do you not like this anymore? Do you want us to stop?" he asks. And she nods, crying. "Okay, baby, we'll stop," he says, pulling her shirt down and her shorts up as he bents down and kisses her lightly on the lips. Then he leaves and she just breaks down crying again. She never goes over to Kate's again.

She never thought she'd hate anyone more than her father, but this man, this man took away her innocence, her childhood, and her only friend in less than a month. She hates him more than anything.

* * *

One night, a few months after her sixteenth birthday, things with her father get really really bad for her. She doesn't even remember what happened, but the next thing she knows, her father is hitting her in her face again and again and again and he just won't stop.

"You're exactly like your mother, you little piece of shit! You never do anything right!" he doesn't stop yelling at her nor smacking her, until she's screaming even louder, and only then he releases.

"I thank God I'm exactly like my mother and not like you! My mother would have never let you touch me!", she yells back, and she doesn't know where this confidence is coming from, but she guesses everyone has their breaking point, and this is hers.

He laughs coldly, bitterly, disgustingly. "You think your mother loved you?" He keeps laughing. "Your mother was leaving when she had her accident! And you're still here! And that means she wasn't taking you with her! She never wanted you!"

"NO! SHE WAS LEAVING YOU!"

Before she finishes he smacks her one last time before going upstairs and leaving her alone, in the living room floor, crying.

She slowly stands up and goes to her room, grabs a few clothes, a little box with stuff from her mother she always has with her, packs everything in a backpack and leaves the house. She has no idea where she's going, but she just can't stay here anymore. She just has to leave.

* * *

A couple of hours later she's at the farthest CVS from her house she can walk to, buying some stuff to clean up the cuts and bruises to her face. She's wearing a hoodie so she can hide them from the cashier who's already looking at her rather suspiciously, probably thinking she's gonna rob the place or something.

"Rachel? Rachel Berry, is that you?", she hears a familiar voice behind her.

She doesn't know whether to turn around or not. She doesn't know if she wants anyone to know this about herself. She feels ashamed looking like this.

But she can't exactly run from this situation when she sees Shelby coming to stand in front of her, leaving her without an escape route.

She keeps her eyes looking down. "Hello, Shelby," she says, quietly.

Shelby keeps trying to look her in the eye, but Rachel keeps her hoodie on, and refuses to look at her. "Are you okay, Rachel?"

Rachel doesn't answer for a few moments. But then she says, "I'm fine. I just need to get some stuff for my father really quick, he's expecting me."

She turns around and starts to walk away, but Shelby grabs her arm and Rachel recoils as if she had been burned and actually whimpers, so Shelby lets her arm go. "Does your arm hurt? What happened?"

She doesn't know what to do, where to go. Things are falling from her hands and in a quick movement her hoodie falls off without her even realizing, until she hears Shelby gasp.

"Rachel! What happened? Who did this to you?"

She doesn't know what to answer. She's looking at Shelby, fear written all over her face, and she really doesn't know what to say so she just breaks down crying.

Shelby leaves her shopping cart right there, with everything that Rachel had planned on buying, and just grabs the crying, blubbering mess that is Rachel and takes her to the car.

As soon as Shelby gets in the car Rachel says, "Please, just please, don't take me home. Please, Shelby. I'm begging you, anywhere but my house."

Shelby looks at her, understanding coloring her face and nods.

* * *

Shelby takes her to her house. She fixes up Rachel's face, cleaning and healing her cuts and bruises, and then runs her a bath. While Rachel's in the bath, Shelby sets up the guest room.

When Rachel opens the bathroom door, Shelby's sitting on the floor, waiting for her. She leads her to the guest room and tucks her in, all without saying a word, which Rachel is really grateful for. But as soon as Shelby turns to leave the room, Rachel whimpers. Shelby turns around to look at her, and Rachel just whispers, "Can you please stay with me for a little while until I'm asleep?"

Shelby doesn't say anything, just walks over to the other side of the bed and lays down next to her. Rachel curls up next to her and Shelby holds her tight.

* * *

The next morning, Shelby cooks breakfast and they eat together.

"You still have to go to school. I'll take you and pick you up. And we'll talk after, okay?" Rachel nods, silently. She tries to think about a good excuse for her bruises. She could say she fell off the stairs. "Don't worry about your bruises, I'll cover them up with some make up after you finish your breakfast," Shelby says, as if she was reading her mind. Rachel just nods again.

Shelby actually does a good job hiding her bruises.

* * *

She goes by the day at school the same way as always, but it's not the same as always. Everything's changed now, and she's actually really scared. She has no idea how this is going to work out.

Still, the day goes by pretty quickly, and the next thing she knows, Shelby's picking her up, and they're on their way to Shelby's to have their talk.

* * *

They're both sitting down at the kitchen table with a mug of hot chocolate in their hands.

"Do you wanna tell me what happened?" Shelby asks and Rachel gives her a look. Does she really need to put into words what happened? She thinks it's pretty self explanatory. "Okay, let me rephrase that. How long has this been going on for?" Rachel shrugs her shoulders. Shelby sighs. "Rachel, if you want me to help you, you need to talk to me, please."

Shelby's looking at her pleadingly, and Rachel sighs. "Since forever," she whispers.

Shelby nods. "Do you-" she pauses for a bit, rethinking her words. "Do you want me to take legal action?"

Rachel's eyes fill with tears. She shrugs her shoulders again, but they're shaky now, because she's crying, and Shelby goes over to her and hugs her and shushes her telling her _everything's going to be okay._

* * *

They decide to take legal action. She was really scared of what was going to happen to her if her father ended up in jail. She was still sixteen, and she didn't want to end up in the system. But, thankfully Shelby fought for her, and they made a deal with the judge that Shelby could be her foster mother as long as no other relatives showed up to claim custody. She had no other living relatives. Both sets of grandparents were dead, and she didn't have any aunts or uncles. So Shelby became her family.

That same night Rachel looked up from her dinner plate to look at Shelby. "Thank you," she said.

Shelby smiled. "No, Rachel. Thank _you._" Rachel looks at her, questioningly. "I always wanted a daughter, you know? Almost had one, but then I had a car accident and I lost her," Shelby explains with tears in her eyes. "And I had to get a hysterectomy because of the accident. You are my second chance, Rachel."

Both smile at each other in tears and then they continue to eat their dinner.

* * *

Life with Shelby could be easily compared to paradise for her. Shelby gives her everything that she's ever wanted, and she's not talking about her phone or her computer. She's not even talking about her new musical DVD collection. No, she's talking about how much Shelby loves her, and supports her through everything, and always protects her. She loves the woman so much and she's so thankful to her and for her. So she wants to give her something back. She wants to do something for her.

Shelby always talks about how much she wants Rachel to just have friends and try to live a normal teenage life now that she can. And she also always talks about how much she loved her high school glee club. So, in a whim, she decides to audition for her high school glee club, and surprisingly she gets in.

Her History teacher, Mr. Schuester, who also runs glee club, is completely shocked after her audition.

"Rachel! That was amazing! I didn't even know you could sing!"

Rachel blushes, and says, "Me neither."

Mr. Schue gapes at her. "You've never sung before?" Rachel shakes her head. Everyone in the choir room is gaping at her, but they all cheer when Mr. Schue says she's definitely in. There aren't that many people in glee, she recognizes a few from her classes, like Kurt Hummel and Quinn Fabray, and a few from the hallways, like Artie Abrams, Santana Lopez and the Puckerman brothers. Even the underclassmen like Kitty Wilde, Marley Rose, and Ryder Lynn. And of course she recognizes Finn Hudson, he's in her History class, and the quarterback, so everyone knows Finn. They all look at her, smiling and welcoming her to the club.

That day, she skips into Shelby's- her home, (she still needs to get used to that being her home), and Shelby smiles when Rachel walks into the kitchen.

"Hey," Shelby greets her.

"Hey, Shelby. No work today?" Rachel asks while grabbing a snack to eat.

Shelby shakes her head. "I quit." Rachel gapes at her, but Shelby's beaming at her. "I signed the papers today, Rach. It's finally happening!"

Rachel squeals in excitement. Shelby's been planning on opening her own theater in Lima for years, and when Rachel came into her life, her plans where kind of paused due to obvious economical reasons, but now, apparently, she'd finally bought the theater today. Rachel was so happy. She hugged Shelby, tight and saying, "I'm so happy for you!"

Shelby smiles at her, "I know, I'm happy for me too," she says, laughing. "Okay, now it's your turn. What are you so chipper about?"

Rachel smiles. "I joined the glee club today."

Shelby squeals and jumps in excitement. "Oh, Rachel, I'm so happy for you. You'll see this is a good thing, I promise."

Rachel nods, smiling up at Shelby. "I know."

* * *

The first few weeks at glee club she doesn't do much. She's never really liked being the center of attention, living with her father she'd learned that the best thing to do was just try to get as little attention as possible. So, when by her third week at glee, Mr. Schue wants her to sing a solo, she politely refuses, aware of the looks that Kurt and Mercedes are giving her. And then a couple of weeks after that, Mr. Schue wants her to help Mike demonstrate a new dance move, she simply says that she thinks Brittany is a better dancer, and she can see Kurt and Mercedes whispering.

When the bell rings, Kurt and Mercedes stop her from leaving.

She's startled, but she hides that by plastering a smile on her face. "Hey, guys," she says.

"Are you crazy?" Kurt says.

Mercedes elbows him. "Kurt!" She then turns to her, smiling, "Listen, we were thinking about having a sleepover, maybe watching some movies and eating some popcorn. What do you think?"

Rachel stares at them. "Are you- Are you inviting me?"

Mercedes nods encouragingly. "It'll be fun, I promise," Kurt says.

Rachel just nods. "Great! I'll text you my address, be there by seven!" Kurt says, while grabbing Mercedes' arm and leaving.

Rachel just stares after them and she doesn't even realize that Mr. Schue is still in the choir room.

"It'll be good for you," he says, startling her. "Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you," he smiles apologetically.

"It's okay."

"Can I talk to you for a second?" he asks, signaling the chairs behind her. She nods quietly, and sits. She's still not entirely comfortable being alone around grown men. Apparently he notices, since he chooses to sit a few chairs away from her.

He takes a deep breath in, and then he says, "Rachel, you know that, as your teacher, I know stuff about you, right?" Rachel nods. After she moved in with Shelby, both the principal and the school counselor were notified about what was going on with her, and those things are discussed at teacher's meetings. "All I want to say is that, I know it's scary? Opening up to people, letting them into your life, your secrets. Letting them see your scars. But trust me when I tell you that these sixteen people, they will accept you for who you are, no matter what. I'm not telling you to come next week and tell everyone everything you've been through. But, if and when you do decide to open up to at least one of them, any of them, they won't judge you. They'll probably hold you, and tell you that everything's okay now. And then they'll probably make you sing some Kelly Clarkson song. And they'll make sure you are laughing instead of crying."

Mr. Schue finishes his speech and she nods, and smiles at him through her tears.

"Thank you."

* * *

Shelby is so excited on the drive over to Kurt's house. But when they reach Kurt's house, she looks over to Rachel, worried. "Well, here we are." Silence falls over the car. "You can call me if you start feeling uncomfortable or anything, okay?" Rachel nods.

"I'll be fine," she says, smiling, trying not to show how nervous she really is. She doesn't think Shelby buys it, but she doesn't say anything.

"Okay, have fun, sweetie."

"Bye!"

She walks up to Kurt's front door and rings the bell. She hears heavy footsteps and her heart stars beating really fast, an old reflex she never seems to be able to get rid of. The door opens and she sees Finn standing there, smiling at her.

"Hey, Rach," he greets her.

She takes a deep breath. He's charming, really, but still. He's a very large teenager. She shakes her head, trying to get herself together. "Hello, Finn."

Before either of them can say anything else, they hear more footsteps and soon Kurt's voice. "Go away, Finn. The living room is ours tonight. Oh, hello, Rachel! Finally, you're here! Everyone else is already here." Kurt says, smiling, and grabbing her arm, leading her into the house and into the living room. She turns her head back to where Finn is still standing and waves at him smiling apologetically him. He chuckles and waves back, closing the door and climbing the stairs up to his room.

She's flabbergasted to not only find Mercedes in the living room, but all the glee girls. "Surprise!" they all shout when she appears with Kurt.

She's looking at Kurt and she doesn't know what to say. "This is your 'Welcome To Glee Sleepover'!" Kurt says excitedly, and dragging her onto the floor with the other girls.

* * *

All the girls are watching a movie in the living room, but she's kind of thirsty, so she gets up from her spot between Kurt and Mercedes, tells him she's going to the kitchen to have some water. He points to where the kitchen is and tells her there's soda in the fridge before Mercedes shushes them. Kurt makes a face at Mercedes and Rachel chuckles before she leaves to go to the kitchen.

The lights in the kitchen are on and Finn is there, having a glass of orange juice. "Hey," he says.

"Hey, just got thirsty," she tells him. Finn grabs another glass from the counter, pours some orange juice and gives it to her, before he sits down again. "Thanks," she mumbles, and starts drinking.

"You can sit down, you know? I don't bite," he says jokingly.

She laughs, nervously before she sits down opposite of him.

He starts to make conversation (_what did you think of the History quiz we had yesterday?, you think it'll rain tomorrow?, have you thought about any songs for the glee assignment yet?_), and she tries to follow, she does, but she's so nervous she usually mumbles a two-word answer and just keeps drinking her orange juice.

He sighs. "Can I- Can I say something?" he asks, nervously. She nods. "I know- I know you're a pretty reserved person and you like to keep to yourself, but you're even more reserved around _me, _and I would just like to know why. Or, like, can I do something, or stop doing something to make you feel more comfortable around me? Cause I think you're really cool, Rach, and I just wish you would let us in. Whatever it is that you're hiding, no one here is going to laugh or like, judge you or anything. We just want you to feel free to be yourself around us, cause we consider ourselves your friends."

She doesn't know what to say, and before she can even say anything, Quinn walks into the kitchen. "Rach- Oh, hey Finn, sorry, I didn't see you there. Am I interrupting anything?" Quinn says, apologetically.

Finn looks at Quinn, then at Rachel, and then back at Quinn. "No, no Q, it's fine. I was just getting back to bed," he says, grabbing Rachel's empty glass and he starts to wash it along with his own.

"Oh, okay. Rach, Kurt's asking what's taking you so long. He's about to put Funny Girl, and he says it's your favorite so we're waiting for you," Quinn tells her.

"Oh, okay, I'll be right there," Rachel says, smiling at Quinn. Quinn smiles at her, then looks at Finn and smirks and winks at her. Rachel blushes and Quinn leaves.

Rachel stands up and as she's leaving she stops. She turns back to Finn. "It's not you."

"What?" he asks, turning back to look at her.

"It's not about you. It's about me. My whole nervousness and keeping to myself," she explains. She pauses, but makes herself go on. "I hope one day I'll be able to tell you everything."

"Me, too, Rach. Me, too."

* * *

After the talks with Mr. Schue and Finn, she starts to feel a lot more comfortable and confident in glee. They are always there for her, even when she doesn't even mention she's having a rough day. On the anniversary of her mother's death, they all make sure she doesn't spend a single second of the day alone. At chemistry, Quinn and Artie sit with her. History she's with Finn and Noah. Lunch with Kurt, Kitty, Marley and Ryder. Calculus with Tina, Mike and Sam. Anyways, the fact is she's never alone. And that afternoon, when after school they all insisted they should all go bowling and she sees Kitty and Santana teasing Marley, and Mike and Tina sharing a pizza, and Finn is trying to teach her how to bowl; that's when she realizes that she finally feels comfortable with these guys.

They are her friends, and Shelby's right. She _can_ live a normal teenage life now.

"Rach. Rachel," Finn says, trying to get her attention.

Rachel looks up at him. "What? Sorry," she smiles apologetically at him.

Finn laughs. "It's fine. Where did you go there?"

Rachel smiles at him. "Nowhere. I'm fine. Now show me how it's done one more time."

Finn smiles at her as he bents down to get a bowling ball.

* * *

She's at her locker about two weeks later when Finn comes up to her.

"Hey, Finn," she greets him smiling.

"Hey, Rach," he says and just stands there, rubbing the back of his neck, and he seems nervous.

"Are you okay?" she asks.

"Would you like to go bowling tonight?"

Rachel chuckles. "Kurt is still insisting he's better that you, huh? Well, when you beat him tonight again, he'll have to swallow his words."

"No, Rach. I mean, just the two of us," he says, and he looks even more nervous that he already was.

"Oh," she says. "Like- you mean like a date?" she asks.

"I mean, yeah." She doesn't reply so he quickly adds, "Only if you want it to be. Or we can invite everyone else too, if you want. It's okay-"

"Finn," she cuts his rambling, putting her hand on his arm. She smiles. "I would like us to go, yes."

"Really?" She smiles and she nods. "Um- great. Great. I'll pick you up at eight, okay?"

Rachel nods and then he leaves, and she thinks he sees him doing a fist bump in the air.

She takes a deep breath, because, crap. _She has a date tonight._

* * *

She thinks Shelby might be more excited than Finn about this date. She hugs her tight before she rushes her into the shower and goes to her room to find a perfect outfit. Really, it's more like having a big sister or a cool aunt rather than a mother. She loves their relationship nonetheless.

She's been feeling pretty good lately, and she thinks she's finally ready to put the past completely behind her and enjoy her life right now.

She finishes showering and walks into her room only to find it a mess and Shelby trying to pick out clothes and she's so happy and excited it's contagious.

"I'm just so happy for you. After everything you've been through you deserve nothing more than a normal life, and this date might be the start of it," Shelby says. After a second she adds, worriedly, "Promise me you'll have fun, and you won't think about anything else but him, and you and just you guys together."

Rachel smiles. "I promise."

* * *

The date's been going just perfectly. He's a complete gentleman. But the date's over now, and they are at her front door and she doesn't know how this goes. She's never been in this situation before, and it all just reminds her too much of what happened with Kate's father. A memory that seems so far away, yet still affects her so much.

Finn seems to notice she's paralyzed in fear, so he just kisses her cheek, tells her he'll see her tomorrow and starts walking back to his truck.

Rachel frowns. No. She promised Shelby (and herself) that she would_ not_ do this. That she would start living a normal life now. Everything's in the past. And this is the present.

"Finn, wait," she says, as she walks over to him. As soon as he turns around she jumps into his arms and kisses him. He's surprised for all of two seconds before he kisses her back eagerly, holding her waist. They break away when air is needed.

"Wow," he says. Rachel blushes and looks down at their feet. "Don't," he says, placing his finger on her chin, making her look up at him. "Don't hide. Not from me. Now now. Please."

Rachel looks at him and smiles. He bents down and kisses her once more, and she responds just as eagerly as he did. She's never felt like this before. She feels a mixture of emotions that are just so strong. She feels grounded and safe, but she also feels like she could fly, as long as Finn is flying next to her.

* * *

So, Finn and her are officially together. After four dates he asks her to be his official girlfriend and of course she says yes. She's finally happy. She has friends who support her all the time. They all understand she has her secrets and her baggage, but they've never pressured her into telling them anything. They don't care about that, they just her about her now.

And Finn. Finn is simply amazing. He picks her up for school, and after school they usually go to either of their houses and watch a movie or something.

However, she knows this can't last. So far all they've done is kiss. And that's it. She's fine with it, but she knows Finn is itching for more. Still, he never says anything and never pressures her for anything. He really is perfect.

Still, this afternoon, he's restless. He keeps kissing her and kissing her and trying to tear her eyes away from the movie. Finally she relents and kisses him back. He lowers her on the couch, and presses her into it. He starts to really get into it and when his hand brushes her breast, she freezes. He doesn't notice and doesn't stop, moving his lips to her neck and his hand is still on her breast.

"Finn," she says, trying to push him away. But he doesn't even notice. He's too big and strong to notice her tiny and fragile hands trying to push him away. She starts to get scared. "Finn, please."

Next thing she knows she's moving at her own accord, kicking and screaming, begging him to stop. She kicks him in the stomach and he falls to the ground.

"Oh, fuck!" he grunts from the floor. He looks up at her and she's curled up on the corner of the couch, shaking and avoiding his look. "Crap, Rach, I'm sorry. I totally lost it and I didn't even realize."

He gets up and tries to place a hand on her arm but she whimpers. "Please, don't touch me," she whispers.

"Rach, I'm sorry, please," he begs.

"Can you please just go? Please Finn?" she looks up at him, pleadingly.

He nods and just leaves.

He tries to call her at night, but she just doesn't answer. And when Shelby asks her what's wrong at dinner, she just says she's feeling a little under the weather and she needs to go to sleep. For the first time in forever, she cries herself to sleep that night, wondering if this is a bridge in her and Finn's relationship they won't be able to cross.

* * *

The next day Finn tries to approach her several times, trying to touch her arm, or hug her or anything but she just flinches every time he wants to touch her and just says she needs time on her own to think.

"Are you breaking up with me?" he asks, hurt written all over his face.

"No! No, Finn. I'm not breaking up. Can you just please give me a few days to wrap my mind about some things, please?" she begs him.

"Okay," he says, resigned, and he leaves her at her locker.

Before she can turn to her locker to get her things, Kitty shows up next to her. "Hey, Rach."

"Hey, Kitty. What's up?"

Kitty leans in to whisper in her ear. "I know what happened to you." Rachel freezes. "Can we talk? I know you have a free period now and I have PE, which I can get out of since I'm a Cheerio."

Rachel nods, silently, and Kitty leads her to the auditorium.

"What is it that you know exactly?" Rachel asks as they sit on the stage.

Kitty doesn't say anything for the longest time. "I notice how private you are. And how, when anyone wants to touch your arm or grab your hand you just freeze up. Especially around big men, like Finn or Mr. Schue," Kitty says. Rachel stops breathing. "When I was in sixth grade I was at my friend Julie's house. She was having a sleepover. In the middle of the night, when everyone else was sleeping, her older brother came down to the basement and he crawled into my sleeping bag." Kitty's voice was shaking and Rachel couldn't believe her ears. "At first I didn't know what was going on, but then he started to touch me, and feel me up. I didn't say anything, and in the morning I just went home without saying goodbye. I never told anything to anyone for a long time, because I was so scared. Scared of what consequences it might bring, to me, to my parents. We lived in a small town and small town people talk, you know? But then I told my parents and they just, they didn't understand why I had waited so long. My mom called Julie's mom, who didn't believe me because _her son was so sweet_. Julie started spreading rumors about me, and the she told all my friends to stop talking to me. So I moved."

By the end of it, Kitty's crying, and Rachel's holding her hand really tight, tears running down her face as well. "I'm so sorry," Rachel whispers.

Kitty shrugs. "It's fine. I just wanted to let you know that I noticed this about you and I know you might feel like you're alone in this and no one understands you. But I do."

Rachel looks down. "I've never told anyone. He stopped and I never saw him again, so I figured what's the point in making a big deal out if it, you know?"

"The point is, you might get some closure," Kitty replies. "I know it's scary opening yourself up to people. But you'll find it's also very rewarding. And I think Finn would understand."

Rachel looks at her and nods. "Thank you, Kitty."

Kitty smiles and hugs her.

* * *

When she gets home, she's already decided. She's going to tell Shelby. She just has to, she owes it to the woman who changed her entire life for her.

"Shelby?"

"Kitchen!"

She walks into the kitchen to find Shelby baking something. "I need to tell you something."

"Does it have anything to do with the tall boy that's waiting for you in your bedroom?"

"What?"

"Finn. He's waiting for you upstairs." Rachel turns around to go to her bedroom as she hears Shelby say, "Door open!"

"Finn?" she says, entering her bedroom finding Finn sitting on her bed. He looks up at her and gives her a lopsided grin.

"Hey. I know you asked me for space or whatever but-"

"No," she cuts him off. "It's fine. Can you come downstairs, please? I need to tell you something."

Finn looks at her questioningly, but takes her hand nonetheless.

They both show up downstairs and sit at the table. "Shelby? Can you sit? I need to talk to the both of you."

Shelby looks between the two teenagers. "Are you pregnant?" she asks.

"What?! No!" Finn and Rachel say in unison.

Shelby lets out a sigh of relief and sits down. Rachel looks between Finn and Shelby and she starts to get more nervous than she already is.

"I- I don't know if I can do this!" she yells.

"Woah, woah, Rach, what's going on?" Finn asks, taking her hand to try to get her to relax. Her eyes fill with tears, and now Finn and Shelby are looking really worried.

She takes a deep breath, calming herself down. "Okay, okay. I need to tell you guys something. Something that happened when I was thirteen. And it's not pretty, but I need you guys to know. Because, Shelby, you turned your life upside down for me. And Finn, you deserve to know, especially after what happened yesterday."

"You're scaring me, Rachel. What's going on?" Shelby asks.

"When I was thirteen I had this friend, Kate. And Kate, she had a father," she's not doing this very well, but she can't bring herself to say what needs to be said. "And her father, he…"

"Rachel, what did he do?" Shelby asks, in a soft voice.

Rachel looks at her, with tears flooding her eyes. Then she looks at Finn and she can see him putting the pieces together. His face goes hard. "Rach, did he abuse you?" Finn whispers.

Rachel looks down at her shoes and nods as she keeps crying. She hears Shelby gasp, as Finn envelops her in a hug. "Shh, it's okay, baby. You're safe." Finn whispers.

She turns to look at Shelby, who's also crying. "Why didn't you tell me before?" Shelby whispers.

Rachel shrugs. "I was afraid. I just didn't see the point. It only happened for like a couple of weeks, and I have never seen him since," she says. After a while, she whispers, "I'm sorry."

Shelby looks up at her. "Oh, no, no, sweetie. You have nothing to be sorry about. It's okay." Shelby says. Finn releases Rachel, and Rachel jumps into Shelby's arms. "It's okay, sweetie. Everything's fine."

Finn is standing there, awkwardly, so Rachel extends her arm and grabs his hand, smiling at him. Finn squeezes her hand and smiles back.

Shelby releases Rachel, and Rachel looks at Finn and says, "Stay for dinner?"

Finn looks at Shelby and Shelby nods encouragingly, so Finn smiles and answers, "Of course."

* * *

They have an argument after dinner. Finn and Shelby want to press charges. She doesn't.

"What's the point?!" Rachel says. "It's been four years, already. I never see him and I don't plan on seeing him ever again. I just wanted you guys to know because you are my family and I felt you needed to know, but that's it!"

"Rachel, he deserves to rot in jail for what he did to you," Finn says, angrily.

"I know he does, Finn. But he'll pay in another way. I just want to put everything behind me. Please," Rachel begs, tired.

Shelby sighs. "Fine. If this is what you want," she says.

"It is," Rachel answers. Shelby nods. "Thank you."

"Are you kidding me?" Finn yells and he storms out of the house.

"Finn!" Rachel yells after him. She looks at Shelby.

Shelby looks at her watch. "Go, be here before curfew." Rachel nods and goes after him.

She finds him in the park, sitting on a bench. She sits next to him. "Finn,"

"Don't. I'm sorry okay? I know this is super hard for you and you trusted me and I just stormed off and made things even harder for you. I'm sorry," Finn says.

"It's okay," Rachel says, quietly.

Finn laughs. "But it's not. Because I hate this. I am so angry, at you, at him, at life. Just, please explain it to me, Rach. Why are you protecting him?" he asks, looking at her.

Rachel gapes at him. "You think I'm protecting him? Of course I'm not protecting him, Finn! He ruined my life! He made my hate myself, he robbed me of my childhood! Trust me, I am not protecting him!" she yells at him.

"Then why don't you want to press charges?!"

"Because, Finn, I'm protecting myself. First of all, this was something that happened years ago, so who knows if I'll be able to take him into trial. Secondly, they'll make me go on stands and talk about this to a lot of people, most of them strangers. I could barely tell you and Shelby, who are the two people I trust the most. I can't stand in front of complete strangers and talk about this. And third, Finn, I don't want to see him ever again. I can't. I won't," she finishes and he doesn't say a word, so she adds, "You don't have to understand this, but please, please, don't be mad at me. Please, Finn."

He hugs her. "I'm not mad at you, Rach. And now I understand, this and what happened yesterday. God, I'm such an idiot, I'm so sorry, baby."

Rachel pulls back and looks him in the eye. "Don't apologize, you didn't know. It's fine, Finn." She smiles and takes a deep breath in, cause, as awkward as it may be, she needs to say this. "Listen, it's not that I don't want to, Finn, because trust me, _I do_. I just need some time, okay? Can you give me that?"

"Of course, Rach. I'll wait forever if I have to," he says. She smiles at him and kisses him. "I love you," he breathes as they pull apart.

She stares at him, before smiling. "I love you, too."

* * *

The following day she looks for Kitty and takes her into the bathroom.

"I just wanted to thank you for what you said yesterday," Rachel says, smiling.

"Sure, everyone needs a little push sometimes," Kitty smiles.

"And, hey, if you ever need to talk, I'm here."

"Same, for you, Rach, same for you."

* * *

Things go back to normal. They have Sectionals and they have an epic win. They all go bowling to celebrate. It seems like the bowling alley is their place.

And before she even realizes, they also win Regionals and it's time for prom. Of course, Finn and her are still going strong, now more than ever. And she's slowly, but surely, feeling more and more comfortable with him. It's safe to say that their make out sessions are no longer based on kissing anymore.

The first time she put his hand on her breasts, he stopped and looked down at her. "Rach?"

"It's fine, Finn, really. I want you to," she told him, pulling him back down for another kiss. He still doesn't dare to touch her, but soon she starts squirming and that's when he knows she's sure, so he obeys her. Not without first telling her to stop him when it gets too much for her.

So, when on prom night, in the middle of a dance she mentions that she booked them a hotel room, and he almost falls over, she just laughs.

On the ride over to the hotel room, she can tell he's nervous. "Would you relax, Finn?"

"I can't seem to," he says and she laughs.

Soon they're already there, and they're in the hotel room, and she's kissing him and he stops her. "Rachel."

"Don't you want to?" she asks, in a small voice.

"God, Rach, of course I do. More than anything. I just want to make sure it's something that you want."

She smiles. "It is. I do want to, Finn, please. I just want to put the past behind me and live in the moment. In this moment. With you," she says. "I love you," she adds.

He smiles down at her. "I love you, too."

"Good, now please stop thinking and just kiss me. I promise that if it gets too much I'll stop us," she breathes.

Finn kisses her again and soon they both stop thinking. They kiss for a long time, and then she walks them back to the bed. And she doesn't know how it happens but the next thing she knows, his clothes are off and so's her dress, and he's taking her panties off, and she's rolling on a condom.

Right before he pushes into her he looks at her, straight in the eye. "Are you sure?"

"Yes," she breathes.

"I love you," he says and then he's inside her. And good God, it hurts. There's a lot of pressure, and a lot of him. But he stays still, like a champ, kissing her eyes, her cheeks, her nose, and finally her lips. And as soon as he kisses her lips it's like a fire ignites inside of her and she wants more.

"Move," she says.

And then he's moving, and she's moving too and the next thing she knows they're coming, together.

Afterwards, she lays on top of him as he caresses her bare back, a smile playing on her lips. She rests her chin on his chest and smiles up lovingly at him. "I love you, so much," she says, and tears spring to her eyes.

"I love you more. But why the tears?"

"I never thought I'd be able to share that with someone. I never thought I'd trust anyone as much as I trust you. And I never thought I'd feel as strongly for anyone as I do for you. I just want to thank you," she says, with tears running down her cheeks.

His eyes burn with tears as well, for the love he has for this girl. This girl who has overcome more than anyone else he's ever known. He doesn't have any words, so he just kisses her.

* * *

The last glee club meeting of her senior year she asks Mr. Schue if she can bring Shelby in and say something to everyone. Mr. Schue smiles at her and says _of course, Rachel_.

So, she's currently standing in front of almost twenty people, trying to get her words out.

"Okay, so here's the thing. I know you're all aware of the fact that I carry a lot of baggage. Some of you might know everything," she says looking at Shelby, Kitty and Finn, "others might know half of it," she looks at everyone else, "because, let's face it, the entire school knows half of it. The thing is, I just wanted to thank you, because no matter what was going on with me you all stood by me. You never treated me any different, you never judged me. You took me as I am and accepted me, and loved me. And I just wanted you guys to know that I probably wouldn't be standing here if it weren't for you. I'll never forget you, none of you. And just know that if any of you are in New York next year, feel free to visit Finn, Kurt, Santana and I. And Quinn, I'll be going to New Haven every other weekend, okay? And Mercedes, you better fly back from LA from time to time, because I need someone to help me handle Kurt. And of course, we'll come visit Lima a lot, to see how you guys are taking care of glee. I just love you all so much. You are my family." And that's it, she can't talk anymore because she's crying. And then they're all hugging her, and saying they'll miss her so much.

And really, all Rachel can think about is how grateful she is for these people here, and she had a similar talk with Shelby last night, because if it weren't for Shelby, she doesn't know if she would be alive right now.

Rachel's just so happy she had the courage to open up to people. And now, she can think about her past without crying or flinching. She accepted her past for what it is, and now she's moved on. Because Quinn's right.

_You can't change you past. But you can let go, and start your future._

* * *

_A/N2: Okay, guys that's it! Hope it wasn't too terrible! Reviews are love :)_


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